part two: this is what happens when my therapist dies

When I chose to buy a flight to Vegas last weekend, I wondered if I would actually make the trip. I'm not afraid to run away from my life. The decision started as an unhealthy coping mechanism--it served as a means to further suffocate my feelings & struggles. As I've grown, it's turned into a way to take a step back & reassess. I now have a runaway location less than an hour from home. It has everything I need: a river, huge trees, and an open sky to remind me of the vastness of our world...the complexities of problems on a larger scale than my own.

Last weekend's scheduled vacation days required more than a 45-minute drive to the woods. In the few days leading up, my depression felt otherwise. I didn't pack until the morning of, after washing the new outfits I purchased the night before. The desire to do so didn't exist.

In those few days, a friend I planned to meet there received multiple messages from me full of concern for how my mental illnesses would affect our short visit. I worried that I would have a panic attack--they occur frequently now--and neither of us would react well. I worried that my anxiety would be high, and I wouldn't be any fun. I worried that my depression would bring me down, and I just wouldn't show up.

But I did. I showed up. In doing so, I realized that I want need to do that more. 

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On Tuesday night, a friend and I sat in our regular booth, ordered apps & drinks, and shared our weekend stories. Admittedly, I spoke more. While traveling & in Vegas, I realized why the vacation was necessary--I needed to step back & reassess. Making new friends, visiting an old one, and spending time with family made me realize that I've lost track of who I am and what I want for the sake of staying where people remind me that I'm needed. Feeling needed is great, yes.

I need more.

I need to feel excited to wake up each day, knowing that I'm going to pursue my dreams or spend time with someone I love or take care of my mental & physical health or the list goes on. I need to build my writing career, primarily by focusing more on my blog while revising my book to submit for publication. I need it published. I need to find more legitimate connections with people, whether those be personal, professional, or otherwise. I need to acknowledge my growth, especially that I've outgrown old friends. As I told my friend, I need to do the damn thing--whatever, wherever that may be.

A few weeks ago, another friend and I sat in my car to talk about life. I shared with him that Nikki had instilled in me the responsibility to avoid the danger of pursuing happiness in what comes next--whether it be a new job, apartment, city, lover, friend, or hobby. Placing the idea of happiness on one aspect of life won't create happiness. It will create a feeling that happiness flees just when you think you've found it. I don't need that. Instead, I need to cultivate a happy mind and heart.

Since starting therapy in early 2016, I'm certain that all of my past practitioners tried to help me reach this mindset-shift goal. I appreciate the nudges in the right direction, even when I didn't notice them. Alas, the goal didn't appear in my direct line of sight until nearly seven weeks ago. I met a person who is living their life with such a fierce determination to obtain what they want. They think and act with great intentions in mind--and seemingly always with the goal of feeling happiness. I see it as a happiness they create by living the life that they need.

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My time away from my life (and, in a way, myself) and with others opened my eyes to the reality I hadn't yet faced. My "dream" to leave Iowa by August is a need. My "dream" to only allow people who support me is a need. My "dream" to pursue writing as the forefront of my life and career is a need.

I sometimes forget that I almost took this life away from myself a couple years ago. When I remember, I always think, "I really didn't think I would make it this far." I must only continue to push further.

Today was a great day. Tomorrow I have my second session with a new therapist. The day after I will spend time crafting new content for this site, as well as revising my book. I will continue to push myself toward the life I need--now, not later.

I will continue.