when you face your feelings

As a caveat to the spewing of words to follow, I managed to sleep an entire 180 minutes this morning. I don't recommend napping between the hours of 5 and 8am instead of sleeping overnight, but it's done. Also done? A day of shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, dancing, reading, applying for jobs, and writing aside from this. Many will wonder, "how did you do it?"

To that, I say what I usually do: I didn't have an option.

Sure, some may disagree. I could have slept--if I gave myself that choice. I could have lazily laid around--if I gave myself that choice. I could have done less--if I gave myself that choice. Why would I have?

Most know that I live with the reminder of intentions. I frequently ask myself, "Why ___?" The blank changes. Sometimes it's, "why not eat a tub of frosting?" and others it's, "why not run three miles & lift for 20 minutes after?" Clearly my mind is focused on sugar and endorphins right now. Lack of sleep.

Many also know that I focus on emotions. When a therapist broke it to me that feeling my emotions gives me control, I not only started to feel them, but also embrace them. They--like I--exist for reasons that don't always make sense. That doesn't invalidate them.

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In the last few weeks, I've sat with feelings I hadn't met before. A few still don't have names. How do you give something a name if you've never known it? Regardless of title, they all stem from the upcoming move. The day that I pack my car with nothing more than necessary and drive across the country to a new adventure. Where? I'm not sure. When? July 31, a short 6.5 weeks away.

Absolutely, I am bursting with excitement. The world is too vast to stay in one place for long. My past shows that I thrive in motion, on change.

But I've never felt the less-than-ideal ways that I do now. A fear of missing out or messing up nudges my magical desire to go daily hourly constantly.

I want to go.

But for the second time ever (only to graduating college, my first true home), I don't fully want to leave. In the last year, I've met hundreds--likely closer to thousands--of people who have helped me learn and unlearn. I have reached a point in my life that I openly recognize personal and professional growth. And I've developed my largest group of friends in one city. I'm the queen of long-distance friendships. Time zones mean nothing. Oceans are ponds. In Des Moines, I don't have to face that. I have friends I can text for dinner, not just scheduled facetime dinner dates. I can use my free time with others rather than all alone.

Don't get me wrong. I value my independence more than almost anything. But I'm learning to value a nearby support system, and I don't want to break the connections. I don't want to lose the moments. I don't want to alter the memories.

And perhaps most significantly, I don't want to miss out on dancing to the credits of Dirty Dancing when I'm not feeling well--in a dark room, wearing matching John Lennon shirts. I don't want to replace sitting together until 4:30am...with miles and hours between us. I don't want to have to book a flight instead of start my car. I don't want to disrupt building the friendships and relationships I'm just starting, to unsettle the new beginnings for abrupt interruptions.

I don't want to alter this corner of my world. Even at its darkest moments, I still see stars.

But how can I stay when so many corners haven't met me yet?

I'm going, and I'm taking my feelings with me.

Face-value fears aren't always valid.