until next time, friends.
I'm not sure how to start this, the beginning of an "end", but I guess that now I have.
It's been more than a month since I've written here. In that time, I found a new therapist, Annie. She is likely going to officially diagnose me with cyclothymia, which, for those who don't know psych lingo, is the "weaker version" of bipolar disorder. About 3.5 years ago, I sat in a professor/mentor's office and told her, "I fear that I have bipolar." She shut that down. I felt that my experience was invalid, that I made up the world inside my mind that affects my life daily. I only ever shared that with my old therapist who passed away earlier this year. We were scheduled to discuss it in depth at my last appointment, the one that never happened.
So, after the initial excitement of feeling seen and heard by Annie wore off, I struggled to accept what this means for me. I am still struggling. But I am not going to give up. I am going to continue therapy, meet with someone to discuss potential medications, and practice gratitude for having healthcare options to have access to both of those options. As long as I can afford insurance next month.
I also completed a six-week strength cycle at CrossFit, which left me lifting an overall increase of 20 percent. I skipped many classes, and although a corner of my brain reminds me, "you could have done better..," I know that I did what I could, and that I am better for it. I also know that with therapy, one of my goals / assignments is to focus on basic needs before other wants. CrossFit might have to go. But if it does, I'm going to continue focusing on my physical health, too. Whole-person health matters!
I've also spent invaluable time travelling, to Omaha with my boyfriend to see my favorite band, AJR, in concert for the third time. Typing that made me smile. To random small towns on cozy adventures. To the homes of friends, and the minds of authors. And most significantly (I suppose), to Chicago for a week-long fellowship retreat. While there, I made 11 new friends -- 7 of whom are fellows, 2 are "in charge," and 2 were strangers I drove him with. Yes, from Chicago to Des Moines. No, I wasn't scared. I saw no potential threat -- and that's part of the mental illness. I digress. I made it home, and I have new friends, and I value that immensely.
I also value this fellowship opportunity. For those with interest to learn more, and/or to help fund my program, please click here. I would also appreciate y'all sharing it. The support matters.
That's what this has to come down to -- support. I currently have a lot to manage. My fellowship, a soon-to-start second job, crossfit or another fitness pursuit, therapy, chiropractic care (hooray for scoliosis!), my relationship & the rest of my social life, hobbies that help me heal (reading, painting, spending time outdoors, nightly journaling), and overall making sure that my basic needs are met. And y'all, that is hard.
Life is hard.
And for that reason, so that I don't have to explain further, I am taking a break. I appreciate those who have read to this point. If you haven't, feel free to read from the start! I'm sure it's an adventure. And I appreciate those who just found this. I will be back, at the latest, next year.
Until then, I'm going to figure out what to do with the adulthood I've been given.
Best wishes.
It's been more than a month since I've written here. In that time, I found a new therapist, Annie. She is likely going to officially diagnose me with cyclothymia, which, for those who don't know psych lingo, is the "weaker version" of bipolar disorder. About 3.5 years ago, I sat in a professor/mentor's office and told her, "I fear that I have bipolar." She shut that down. I felt that my experience was invalid, that I made up the world inside my mind that affects my life daily. I only ever shared that with my old therapist who passed away earlier this year. We were scheduled to discuss it in depth at my last appointment, the one that never happened.
So, after the initial excitement of feeling seen and heard by Annie wore off, I struggled to accept what this means for me. I am still struggling. But I am not going to give up. I am going to continue therapy, meet with someone to discuss potential medications, and practice gratitude for having healthcare options to have access to both of those options. As long as I can afford insurance next month.
I also completed a six-week strength cycle at CrossFit, which left me lifting an overall increase of 20 percent. I skipped many classes, and although a corner of my brain reminds me, "you could have done better..," I know that I did what I could, and that I am better for it. I also know that with therapy, one of my goals / assignments is to focus on basic needs before other wants. CrossFit might have to go. But if it does, I'm going to continue focusing on my physical health, too. Whole-person health matters!
I also value this fellowship opportunity. For those with interest to learn more, and/or to help fund my program, please click here. I would also appreciate y'all sharing it. The support matters.
That's what this has to come down to -- support. I currently have a lot to manage. My fellowship, a soon-to-start second job, crossfit or another fitness pursuit, therapy, chiropractic care (hooray for scoliosis!), my relationship & the rest of my social life, hobbies that help me heal (reading, painting, spending time outdoors, nightly journaling), and overall making sure that my basic needs are met. And y'all, that is hard.
Life is hard.
And for that reason, so that I don't have to explain further, I am taking a break. I appreciate those who have read to this point. If you haven't, feel free to read from the start! I'm sure it's an adventure. And I appreciate those who just found this. I will be back, at the latest, next year.
Until then, I'm going to figure out what to do with the adulthood I've been given.
Best wishes.
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