where to begin

An old habit: going to coffee shops with the intention of writing... and then doing everything but that. Not today! Today I'm typing despite a potentially fractured / definitely sprained wrist. I devoured a custard-filled croissant (run, don't walk, until you find one). I'm sipping on a blackberry Italian soda, and enjoying the swirls of its color through the refracted glass jar. This is the only place I've visited today that isn't playing holiday music.

I know. I said that I wasn't posting again until next year, that I needed to take time away from this. I meant it then. Now, I mean it when I say that we all need to better prioritize the things that make us happy. For me, that's a lot. It starts with this: writing.

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Today I met someone new. We discovered that our alma maters are rivals, which brought about a conversation among the gym fam of graduation years. He caught on to my year-early bachelor's degree, and he asked the expected: "how?"

In recent months, I've responded to that question with a laugh and, "I don't know!"

CrossFit with a broken hand allows for a lot of thinking, though, so I thought about it more than usual. I didn't say this then (I was still thinking), but I want to say it now. I did it because I found something to fight for. I only walked into rooms that I wanted to be in, said yes to people and places that I wanted to be with, worked toward goals that I wanted to succeed at -- I was doing what I loved.

It was not easy. It was hard as hell. I was on academic probation (little-known fact). I nearly dropped out. I spent so much time crying during office hours. But I thrived on happiness and pursuit and curiosity. I found so much that I wanted so much more from -- and I didn't stop when I could have.

Lately, I've stopped. By lately, I mean for far too long. I stopped pursuing publication or school. I stopped my political and social activism. I stopped planning events and dinners with old friends and new people. I stopped writing.

"I'm a writer before I'm anything else," is still how I introduced myself though. I was talking about what I want to be -- not what I am.

The process of starting begins today.

Today I choose to start writing again -- here, in a daily journal, when I think of a line of poetry. I choose to start seeking out political and social events that spark my joy and encourage me to be a better person by improving the world for myself and others. I choose to start spending more time with my hair & makeup & clothes, because it makes me feel good. I choose to start reading again. I choose to start painting, for myself and others. I choose to start the happiness of pursuit, to travel near & far, to save when I can & share when I'm able.

I choose to start now. It's not a beginning. It's a continuation in the process of growth.

There is work to be done.