practicing patience doesn't pay rent

A recent venmo note read, "I've always appreciated your honesty about how shitty life can be sometimes, and that it's okay to feel that way. I hope this make it a little less so, even if it only helps pay part of one bill. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you in the job hunt." That note and $100 came from a friend I've not kept in touch with often. That shows the power of connection, of honesty. It shows that kindness is powerful.

About a week ago, I posted a screenshot of a personal tweet. It said, "yeah so my financial situation is I cried about the food pantry also giving me hygiene items including six (6!!) tampons because I'm on my period & have no money to buy more." One person asked for my venmo account (Lacee-Lynn-B for those willing and able to help), so I posted it. With that ask & an instagram post, friends rallied to gift me $220 and Period packs (click the link. donate. volunteer. support).


and i cried.

I have done a terrible job at hiding just how bad my current situation is. I know, I know. Some of you reading are probably thinking, "Terrible?! But I had no idea!" That's the point. I have been terrible about telling the truth. Terrible about responding with what I actually want to say when people give me the "Oh I've been there, and I had six kids to feed, and I managed! Haha!" spiel.

Like, okay Barbara, that was you & then, and although your experience is valid, this is me & now, and my survival mode does not give a shit if you were able to get a job by calling a friend. I've called my friends. Hell, I've called my not-friends. I've sent difficult emails and messages across burnt bridges. I've walked in and given coffee shop managers my resume. I've submitted at least 50 applications in the last month, in the last 33 days since I've been unemployed. I've also sold a large portion of my wardrobe. That's partly due to the tiny financial boost gained, and largely due to the fact that I've also gained weight in the last month -- making most of my clothes not fit.

nothing fits.

"But you have a college degree!" they say.

"Anyone can go out and get a job!" they say.

"You have so much experience!" they say.

It doesn't work like that. Not here, not now. It doesn't work at all, really. It doesn't add up. It doesn't fit. Instead, it's like this: difficult. It's knowing that I just paid off a credit card last month and that I'm probably going to have to use it to pay rent next month. All of my other bills? I can only hope for the best. 

That's a lot of what I've been doing lately... hoping. Pressing submit on another app or another transcription job that averages to $3 per hour or a writing submission that might earn me $10 but likely not because who actually finds entertainment value in the words spewed out of a depressed woman's mouth.

so i cry more.

If someone paid me $10 an hour to cry, I would have at least $200 from the last few weeks. And that's fitting. The pressure of Doing Good Enough leaves me gasping for air the same way my sobs do, push that drowning feeling on my throat the same way my tears do.

Yet I am still here. I am still applying, still networking, still trying. I am still going to crossfit, writing in my gratitude journal daily, staying clean & sober, talking to friends & spending time with my partner. This is my survival mode.

It's turning the feelings to the lowest possible setting because I haven't seen my therapist since November and don't know when I can go back. It's (mostly) ignoring the back/neck pain & obvious worsening of my scoliosis symptoms by rubbing more essential-oil-infused lotion on & swallowing more tylenol because I haven't seen my chiropractor since November and don't know when I can go back. It's saying, "oh yeah sure!" when someone asks if I can help with something because my trauma-trained response is busybusybusybusy. It's not wanting to feel this way but accepting the truth.

this is where i am right now.

This is where so many people are, and so many others say things like, "Be resourceful!" and, "Ask family for help!" and the most crushing, "Just get a job!" It's accepting that a lot of people can't help. They don't know how. So instead, they parrot politeness and seemingly-kind advice and, "You can do this," statements over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

oh, i didn't think of that. i'll try that tomorrow.